Neediness in Love

It’s Okay to Want to Know if They Still Love You

It’s better to speak up and lose rather than lose without ever trying.

[This story was originally published here.]

At the beginning of a relationship, it is quite normal and accepted to question whether or not our partners love us. Society gives its thumbs-up for that. However, once you are deep into a relationship; it is established. It seems as though we don’t feel we have a right to ask if our partner still loves us.

Yet, we do need to know.

The keyword here is ‘need.’ We come off as needy or clingy or disgustingly desperate to want to be reassured that we are still the target of our lover’s affections and thoughts. Yet, it’s completely normal to want to know where one is in the heart and mind of the person that they themselves care so much about.

We just need to find a more cunning and compelling way to do so.

How to Be Needy

That’s one way.

I know this seems kind of pathetic, and perhaps a little needy…

We aren’t as annoying when we are conscious of the fact that we might be annoying. Giving a slight hint where danger might exist shows maturity. Much more mature than the extremes that may arise when trying to completely ignore the concern altogether.

The really delusional have no idea they are being needy. They just scream that what they ask for is normal.

But it would be nice if you could hear me out on this. Give me some consolation in the matter, because I don’t feel like I’m getting any.

Generally speaking, when we don’t manage to make or maintain that feeling of being connected to the one we love, we act in two different ways.

1. We say nothing at all
2. We blow up in unrestrained fury

We say nothing because we don’t feel we deserve to be treated well. Sadly, this bottles-up and comes out in the form of sulking or reaching out for attention in other ways to the extreme of affairs.

Blowing-up causes us to put words in our partner’s mouth and accuse them of the most horrid things:

• ‘You talk to me like that [insert horrible person mutually known]!’
• ‘You are just hoping my plane will crash, and you’ll never have to see me again!’
• ‘You should go find somebody better for you! You know you want to!’

Making these horrible and false accusations make it uncomplicated for us to be ignored and to appear deranged.

The idea is to state your concern in a strong, yet vulnerable, way.

I feel that we need to communicate better, a stronger sense of connection to build on that miraculous connection that brought us together in the first place. Listen. I play tough for the rest of the world, but I don’t want to be that with you.

Then there should be a subtle taste of the idea that although we very much want to stay together, we do need something in return. We won’t allow ourselves to be bullied or thrown aside whenever we are inconvenient for them. Some hint that tells them we’re capable of leaving.

Unconditional love is romantic, but it is also a good way to get used and abused or simply mistreated. And just because you love someone unconditionally, it doesn’t mean you have to be their whipping post.

This may seem trivial. It feels shitty I even have to bring it up, but I feel like you should know that [insert any current complaints, big or small]:

• You flirted in a way that made me uncomfortable last night,
• You stayed out late and came home drunk without telling me where you were,
• You are still friends with an old sex buddy that you keep hidden from me as you did to a previous partner,
• You were being weird and quiet at dinner with my parents,
• You didn’t put water in the bowl after using it,
• You didn’t notice me trying to hold your hand,
• You seem to have been really affected by your ex,
• I wanted to talk to you about my trip and how happy I am. I wanted to share that with you, but you didn’t respond the way I thought you should,

And this makes me feel really heartbroken and bitter.

We shouldn’t feel ashamed or embarrassed to mention these feelings with our lovers. There isn’t anything too insignificant to worry about if it makes a person unhappy in love.

If it hurts us, it is legitimate.

We need to remember that we have every right to speak, but we have to try to keep our cool as we do it. If they are trying to comfort us and be there for us, we shouldn’t attack them or make things worse.

Look. I love you. It feels like too much sometimes. And that makes me need to know that I am with someone who wants to be with me too. Who wants the same things as me, and who wants to be in the same place as me.

Given, if the relationship is so weak that it can’t handle this sort of grown-up recognition and understanding of our fragile egos and feelings of insecurity; most likely, it isn’t worth going after in the end.

Yes, we have to work on ourselves and our feelings for sure to be more trusting and understanding ourselves.

• We have to trust our partners more so that flirting, drinking, and old sex buddies don’t scare us.
• We have to see that hurtful slights — such as a missed opportunity to hold hands or impress the parents or to share happiness through conversation — wasn’t done intentionally to hurt us.
• We have to know that we were all probably affected by our previous lovers — some more than others, all in different ways than others — yet they mean nothing to us today in a way that could threaten the current relationship.

But if the issues can’t be brought out to the open, no matter how silly they may seem, it will never allow the bond two lovers should share.

I know we lived different lives before, and we have different ways of dealing with things. I don’t really want to put pressure on you to do something you don’t want to do. I just wanted you to know…

Love can present itself in different ways.

• Strong mutual sexual interest
• Great times with common friends
• Playing tennis together
• Going on hikes
• Deep philosophical conversations
• Partying together
• Or simply just being with someone that likes peace and quiet in the house

It won’t be the same for everyone. If you feel how you are shown love isn’t in the forms you prefer, that is something to consider for enduring the relationship.

However, if you do show love in many of the same ways, and they seem to try to fulfill your needs, and for the most part you seem to let each other know how well you are loved and desired in the partnership, you have a winning hand.

I can be pretty needy at times, and sometimes that means I need a bit more from you. Let me know you are there and alive with me.

It can feel good to ‘win’ and prove we aren’t the bad guy when our partner seems needy. Yet it is truly the frail ones who can’t even express when they need to be needy. The weak ones are the ones who run at every chance they get at the dangers of being close to someone.