Romantic Resolutions

Divorce Day and a Questionnaire

New Year. No You.

[This article was originally published here.]

The first Monday back to the real world after the holidays can be quite an unreal experience. For those in the legal profession, it is a day known as ‘Divorce Day.’

Happy New Year. :)

Google search results for ‘I want a divorce’ rose by over 230% this past week [according to Richard Nelson law firm]. They also say that the number of inquiries into divorce raises by over 30% in the Christmas/New Year time over the previous month of November.

Google Trends can support this with their data from the previous year where the word ‘divorce’ grew by 51.6% from January 6th to January 12th of 2019. Something predicted to rise even higher this year.

What’s worse, those that aren’t filing for divorce could be looking for an affair.

What? We aren’t supposed to do that?

IllicitEncounters said it is their busiest time of the year with 50,000 people in the UK starting affairs already in 2020. According to them, January always sees a 100% increase in extra-marital affairs compared to the quietest month of the year, August. At least for me, I have less chance of being cheated on for my birthday.

The peak of this cheating month is the first full week back to work. This week.

So What Causes All This Drama?

The magic of Christmas.

Yes, sadly, the festive period brings a lot of pressure with it. So much pressure that the trigger just pulls a little bit easier to that point of…

‘I just can’t do this anymore. Enough is enough. I want out.’

Now… if the relationship is strong… solid — spending all this time away from regular distractions like work and routine, and in turn, spending more time with family and together can make the relationship even stronger.

However, if the relationship has a few loose rocks in the foundation, the increased pressure and time together can further fracture or possibly crumble for all to see.

No doubt, all this intense time together and outside pressure from the extended family can play a role. But sometimes it is just simply someone who has already decided to end the relationship and they are just going to make it through the holidays before pulling the plug.

What’s more, the parties, the drinking, the stretched finances around this time just make a perfect concoction for relationship chaos that may leave both parties standing on opposites sides of the marriage line starting the new year.

New Year. New Perspective.

Yes. I’m talking to you.

We always reevaluate things at the beginning of a new year. It may be silly to do that based on a made-up time schedule, but we do it. And our relationships, especially our romantic ones, are at the forefront of our minds as far as our happiness is concerned.

We look for love to provide us something. Something that is ‘right.’ Or more specifically, someone that is right. And when we are already with someone, sometimes all we can see is what is wrong.

We desperately need someone that:

• Participates in our passions
• Arouses our ambitions
• And just ‘gets us’

Quite simply, they should be our everything:

• ‘Soul-mate’
• Sex buddy
• Partner
• Good Father/Mother to our children/puppies
• Best friend
• And let’s be a little honest… caretaker.

What would the ‘right’ person even look like to you?

Unfortunately, these perfect robots don’t exist yet. Whoever we end up with will be profoundly f***ed up in some very urgent and vital ways. They will be human. Just like us.

All romantic partnerships will in some way be ‘wrong.’ What makes a difference is their ability to discuss and traverse their differences — be it style, perspective, or personal-identity — with intelligence and wisdom.

This means finding someone that is willing and able to work on their more difficult parts of themselves while still providing us with the kinds of love we need. And finding someone you would be willing to do the same for.

Being ‘right’ for each other shouldn’t be thought of as a precondition or given of love, but as a goal, and eventually, a victory for the two that fought for it.

Romantic Resolutions

Pen and paper, please.

Rather than being another statistic that we mentioned earlier, let’s take a look and see if we can’t make a few ‘romantic resolutions’ to help ourselves and our partners.

First, make a list of all the reasons you think your partner is ‘wrong’ for you.

1. They seem to have no interest in the planet. I’m pretty sure the world would be destroyed if everybody was like him or her.
2. They are too obsessive about cleaning. I am always having to pick up their dirty socks and towels off the floor.
3. I don’t like their friends and they always seem to come over and stay too late when all I want to do is sleep or relax quietly at home.

Now, as hard as it may be, write a few things that make them ‘right’ for you.

1. They just seem to know how to comfort me; they offer advice when I need it or just listen if I need an ear. They can see that sometimes all I need is a hug.
2. They make me laugh. Sometimes it is a silly small smile. Sometimes I almost cry from laughing so hard. They get my sense of humor.
3. They would make (or do make) a great parent: protective but not possessive, understanding but not too easy.

Finally, make a list of how to negotiate the wrong parts.

1. a) I could find ways that being green is of interest to them, perhaps by protecting animals which s/he loves. b) And they could introduce me to things that are important to them which I will try to show interest.
2. a) They could try to start being a bit more mindful about leaving things on the floor. b) And I could maybe not nag them so much about when they don’t always put things in their correct place.
3. a) I could agree to spend time with their friends on certain occasions, such as birthdays or holidays. b) They will not insist to spend more time with them beyond the special occasions that we agree on.

Being right for someone isn’t about finding your Disney prince or ordering your Japanese sex robot. It’s about seeing the admirable and great qualities of your partner while learning to navigate and tolerate their imperfections and differences. It is about understanding and empathy, wisdom and intelligence, and ultimately, love and patience.

Here’s to you and yours.

Happy New Year.